Bad news diluted.
shockbones
fumper
I once had bad news to tell a work colleague. I had smashed up my work car and borrowed his work car for a one-off important appointment while mine was being repaired.

His parting words were, 'Just don't smash it up. OK?'.

I smashed it up and bent every panel on it. It was still drive-able so I could get it back to the office. I rang him to tell him.

By the time I got back to the office, everyone, including the boss knew and were waiting in the car park to see what it looked like as I drove back. Surprize surprize; hardly a word was said to me.

In the half hour between when word got out and my re-appearance, the shock had come and gone before I had got back to work. I was amazed at how people process these shocks in my absence and the spray from the shit hitting the fan had been cleared away before I got back.

I know it sounds like a coward's way out, but, if you're there when they find out, you will bear the full brunt of their shock. If they hear a voice message like 'Crassy's' first thoughtful response, or get a (similar ) note from you first and have a chance to talk about it before you get home, you will still get a few questions, but they might have begun to come to terms with it. Lace it with a compliment about what great parents they are. (Or don't. You'll know what to say)

(no subject)
shockbones
fumper
In response to a question from swaggerdoodle from AMA about urinal behaviour being discrete.

This is true. It used to be a convivial community gathering for conversations about moral dilemmas, solving political disputes, doing international deals. negotiating who's the alpha male (by pissing to the highest point on the urinal wall) resolving the Ginger/Maryanne debate etc.

But that all went pear-shaped when two guys were inspecting one another's weapons of self flagellation, and one said
'You have a very nice willie. Do you mind if I feel its texture?'

The other guy said 'NO. OF COURSE NOT'

'Please?'

'Oh all right then.'

'It feels lovely. Would you mind if I taste it?'

'No. That would make me gay.'

'No it wouldn't. Please?'

'OK. But just for a minute. OK?'

So he 'tastes' it for a minute, then he says. 'I wouldn't want to offend you or anything, but it has a slight taste of pork. Why do you think that would be?'

Probably because I just fucked a pig.'

Now urinal users are inclined to keep to themselves.

AMA Who are you?
shockbones
fumper
I'm Nick. I've been here on and off for a few years.

That's the best pic of me in the icon.

I took about 90 minutes of drawing / erasing / drawing to get an accurate image.

I didn't know I looked like that 'til I'd finished drawing.

Edit to find the icon

AMA response
shockbones
fumper
I live life with possibilities for the future. This includes getting ready to die.

Death will come in its own time and I'll accept it when it does. But not yet I hope.

I think humanity will keep doing the same things it always has in changing environments. Greed will be stronger than altruism etc.

what an excuse!
shockbones
fumper
I called in 'tired' one day. I lost my job within a week.

No real reason was given, but was questioned numerous times about that day.
I knew I could work if I could get a power nap first. I called back later and went to work.

If not I would either have:
a) fallen asleep driving to work or
b) fallen asleep at work while serving a customer.or

In either case I would have been an accident waiting to happen.

A co-worker told me I said the wrong thing. I should have told them I was sick.

She was right. Telling the truth cost me my job.

Read my thoughts
shockbones
fumper
I had coffee with a pretty girl during her working hours in the cafe where she works.
A girl walked out of the cafe and I asked who she was.

'A hairdresser along the street.'

I said, 'Do I need a haircut?'

The pretty girl said the expression on my face as I noticed the hairdresser reflected my thoughts which offended her. My thoughts were totally inoffensive. I simply thought it would be pleasant if the hairdresser wanted to feel me up.

How can I disguise my 'offensive' thoughts and earn the favor of the pretty girl so I can remove her nickers with intent?

New years day.
shockbones
fumper
It's New Year's Day and I have broken with tradition and made two resolutions for the new year.

1. To try and buy local wherever possible. this will be particularly where birthday presents etc are concerned, and

2. To never argue with any criticism of me. Possibly even agree, mainly to end any dispute that has erupted.

The second one is mostly for the fun of it. It is very liberating to stop trying to defend yourself.

(no subject)
shockbones
fumper
I met my ex's identical double in a coffee shop last week. She doesn't have a twin.
I approached her and spoke her name.
She said 'No! that's not my name' in the same voice as my ex.
I returned to my table and I couldn't help looking up occasionally (creepy) and couldn't believe it wasn't her.
Then she finished her coffee and I watched her leave.
Same face, same voice, same facial expressions, same height, same walk.

I finally had to accept that
1. It wasn't her or
2. She didn't want to speak to me.

Have you ever met the double of someone you know very well?
What do you do if the person doesn't acknowledge it's who you recognise?

That kiss
self
fumper
Recalling my wedding and reception as I write my autobiography, I was re-reading some of the events and came across what was probably the most surprising and salacious kisses I can recall.

Maree and I were seeing each other when she was 14 and I was 15. I would ride about 10 kilometres to see her or meet her at a Learn to Dance in Malvern near where she lived. I was far too young to get physical with her as I thought necking and petting was something boys did to reluctant girls and I was too shy to breach that 'reluctant' threshold.

We split after she refused a serious date with me, but we remained on good terms and exchanged letters and Christmas cards.
Five years after we broke up, I got married and asked her to the reception, held at the flat I would move into that day.

After the perjury of my marriage vows, guests gathered at the flat in Elsternwick and Maree attended. I guess I was the only one there that she knew. Within about 20 minutes of her arrival she asked me to see her to the door. I was disappointed to see her go. She put her arms around me for a hug and naturally, I reciprocated. Then she faced me and touched my mouth with her full lips and held for 10 seconds or so which is about one second longer than forever. How come? Who cares?

The memory of that kiss lasted longer than my marriage. I'd love to see her again one day.
Tags:

(no subject)
shockbones
fumper

Do you believe everything has a scientific explanation?

First question listed was submitted by mesnyder_92. (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)

View 520 Answers

Leo's coming to Melbourne to help me fix the roof.  It's been leaking for a while and now I have to fix it before the insurance company will fix the resulting damage to my ceiling.

Leo likes to buy and sell stuff when he wants something or when he's finished using it. He's also a bit of a collector. His recent interest is in very early model cameras and projectors.

I called him to arrange last minute supplies and tools and all that stuff.


Hey Leo, whats up?

 Hey.

 Do we need anything we haven't thought of?

No. I think we're in good shape.

You still chasing one of those early movie cameras?

 Not a camera. I’ve got one of those already. I wanted a projector. I found one on E-bay. The seller lives out your way.

 Do you want me to pick it up for you? Have you organised to have it sent over?

 The bloke’s missus was flying here. She brought it with her.

 That would have saved you a bit of time and the cost of sending it over.

 Well I paid the shipping.

 If you paid the shipping, she should put it on a ship then you go and collect it off the wharf.

 Yeah, but those wharfies. . .

 No problem Leo. You go to the wharf and find the three biggest wharfies, then walk up and thump the crap out of them.

 Then what?

 Grab your projector and go home. No problem.

Thanks for that.

Glad to be of help. See you Sundy

 




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